Okay, I'm not doing this okay anymore....I'm cracking.

I haven't done this in a looong time.

I can't breathe right.

I can't stop crying.

i can barely see the keys to write this.

I know I should call someone but how do you talk when you can't even breathe?

This is the way i thought I'd cry the moment she left.

But I didn't.

I started cleaning.

I turned off.

I can't find the off switch anymore!

Dammit!

I can't stop rocking back and forth.

That must have been the way she would comfort when I was small.It's my automatic reaction when the pain is so intense.

See, I'm scared now...what if this doesn't go away?

What if the flood-gate is open too much and I can't lock it back up?

I want Darren to be home.

I want my mommy.

Fuck, fuck ,fuck!

I know my dad loves me but shit, could it kill him to phone me today?

Nobody remembers and it pisses me off.

Don't you know my mom died today?

Don't you know that an email, a phone call, just a goddamn word would help.

And I don't mean from my brother and his girlfriend.

I mean my friends, my other relatives.

I know I'm being irrational now but did you know my other brothers have not once in 2 years said a single fuckin' word to me about losing my mom.

They act like it didn't even happen.

And then ya wonder why I felt like I lost my real true family the day she died.

All I have left is my brother(his girlfriend) and step-dad.

They're reasons will be " I didn't want to remind you and upset you"

Ya, like I could forget what today was.

Please if you know how to make that happen, could ya make me forget that my mom actually died? That'd be great! thanks.

previous - next

if only....... - July 12, 2004
Back to normal (whatever that is)..... - June 17, 2004
Goodbye's , the saddest word.. - June 16, 2004
Not so good now.... - June 16, 2004
Thank god for little boys and girls.... - June 16, 2004